Did I mention I’m unemployed?  I was laid off on November 22, 2013.  The fact that it is the 50^th anniversary of Kennedy’s assassination is not lost on me.  I had known about it for 90 days.  Truth be told, I knew it was coming for over a year.  Company cuts.

In September my Mom got sick.  She passed away November 13^th.  She had been sick off and on for almost a year.  Losing my job and my mom within two weeks?  How does one describe it?  Devastating?  Yes.  But losing the job when I did was almost a relief.  My heart had not been in my job for the last few months.  Dealing with my Mom’s illness left me exhausted – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I think I had been heading for a nervous breakdown for months, maybe years.  I finally collapsed.  Everything seemed so overwhelming.  Just the thought of getting off the couch and taking a shower was a chore, much less dealing with everything that comes from losing a job and a mother. 

But I made it.  It is now January and I think I am finally coming out of the depression.  I feel like I can get on with life.  It is still hard.  My inherent procrastination is still a problem.  My avoidance tactics (food and spending money) are working overtime.  But I am getting off the couch and getting stuff done.  Some things had a deadline – moving Mom’s stuff out of her apartment.  That needed to be done.  A few hours a day, every other day, was all I could manage at first.  But it got better.

I don’t want to get in to the gory details of all the logistical stuff I have been dealing with.  Stick around…. We will get into those.  I wanted to write about where I am mentally today.

People keep telling me I will cry for a long time to come.  Is it strange that I don’t cry much?  I have my moments.  But mostly I just feel empty and lost.  I want to talk to my Mom about how crappy I feel about losing my job.  I need the routine of a job to take my mind off the crappiness of losing my Mom.  I don’t have either.  So I am stuck.

I’ve had a few interviews with recruiters. But nothing has happened.  It’s all a learning experience, right? I have learned from each interview.  The first one I was too negative about my layoff.  Ok. Don’t do that.  The next one gave me huge pointers on the resume.  Said I had a great story to tell, but my resume didn’t show it. So I took their suggestions and the never called back.  Free resume advice, right?

I keep telling myself that God will give me what I want when I need it.  Ok, I really hope he doesn’t wait until the severance and unemployment is about to run out.  If that happens, I need to accept it.  But a little leeway would be nice. 

Day One

I have a new Blog.  Why? Who knows! A place to share my deep dark secrets? A place to show how crazy I am? Probably. I am unemployed and have too much time on my hands.  I still have lots to do around the house; but, I have been through a lot and am really not ready for chores.

I crochet a lot.  So here is a place to display my creations.  I always need approval.  I don't know if anyone will read this, so I don't know how much approval I will get.  But if I put it out there in the universe, who knows.

I also remembered I like to write.  I used to write all the time.  Poems, short stories, or just rambling thoughts and opinions.  Other than Facebook, I haven't written much in the past several years.  I would like to have a place to try my hand at writing.  I'm reading a book about "finding your element".  Finding my passion.  I am not sure I have one.  Crochet?  yeah, I guess.  But I love to write.  I don't know if I'm good at it.  But that doesn't matter.  Maybe being off work will give me the time and extra brain cells to do it.

I mentioned I had been through a lot.  I don't want to get into that now.  But I have begun a journey back from some pretty bad places.  Being unemployed is just one thing that happened to me this year.  I am trying to get back to being a normal person.